To Lose Yourself

Life is a progression. It is a journey we are set on without our own consent but which we continue to tread without even knowing the end destination or when we’ll get there. We don’t know what twists and turns our path will take, or the number of crossroads we’ll reach, or which turns, if any, lead in the right direction, or even who will join us as we aimlessly wander or determinedly stride. We only know that we must keep on walking. And at various points on the path—maybe as we stumble across raised stones or as the path fades into a dirt trail and we question if we’ve taken the wrong route—we find ourselves reflecting back, analysing our choices, our decisions, our pivotal moments, and questioning how we’ve become this person when, once, we were something else.

I find myself analysing as I lie in bed each night. I have questioned: How am I this person? How have I lost sight of who I am? How have I lost myself? And I’m not even focusing on ways I’ve changed; I’m not considering the natural progression of a journey; how this rough, natural crystal became a polished, smooth, tumbled gemstone. I’m questioning how I let go of so much of what formed my core. I’m wondering how I allowed other people and my fundamental life decisions to distract me away from so much that I loved. Love. How did I lose the very life essence of myself?

Classical music I would listen to as I allowed myself to unwind after my day. The quiet storm. I would float off to somewhere almost ethereal, otherworldly. Vanessa Mae. Ennio Morricone. Michael Nyman. Jools Gianni. Pachelbel. Tchaikovsky. Bach. I can’t even pinpoint when I stopped listening.

Playing instruments. Violin and piano were so much of who I was. And the aspiration to learn flute was ever-present in my soul. I seem to have lost the dream somewhere, but it still burns deep inside me, even if only as an ember.

My love of crystals. I used to collect rough and tumble-polished crystals. My favourites were amethyst and rose quartz. I was fascinated and drawn in by their properties, by their depth. Their beauty reiterates how incredible our earth is and the wonder it can create.

I realise, when I reminisce, that I need to make a conscious effort to rediscover my passions, to reconnect and re-familiarise myself with the parts of my identity that haven’t changed, that have remained as they always were, but that perhaps have become lost amidst my decisions to become a mother, a wife, a businesswoman; those parts that might even have been overshadowed by life’s trials.

My next turn on this journey needs to be down pathways with streams; mirror glazes that allow me to reflect and see who I still continue to be deep inside. It’s all too easy to become lost and far removed from where we should be with just the tiniest of steps and movements. One small step here and one there, and then we find ourselves far from our starting point.

I don’t wish to rewind or to turn back time or retrace my steps; to wish that would undermine my life so far and the many different choices I’ve made. But when something sparkles and burns at the centre of your soul and you direct attention away from fuelling that fire, there comes a time when you realise the warmth will be extinguished altogether if the flames aren’t fanned. I feel like now is the time to rediscover.

I am so much more than who I’m pretending to be.

 

Advertisements

The Colours of my Dreams

How my dreams have changed.

The colours used to shine so brightly, so vibrantly. France. A quiet house in the beautiful French countryside. A relaxed way of life. An altogether different culture. Evenings watching the sun go down as my daughters play.

But now…

Now my dreams are grey and russet, and centre on danger. I dream of safety. Of anonymity. Of seclusion and even isolation. I want to run away and escape, and build a life where our walls are thick and our vulnerability is low. I desperately dream of safeguarding my little ones, and so doing at all costs. Of homeschool and protection and the strength in our unit; our hands held tight.

Is it impossible to imagine the life of packing up and starting again? Is it only in films where risk and danger creep forward, and a loving mother packs up her little girls’ belongings in the dead of night, journeys far and into the distance, stumbles across a warm do-gooder with a kindly heart and a spare, unlived-in house, and is able to start again, away from the violence and violation? Is it too far into the process to try to imagine that life?

The quiet little house. The rural setting. Growing our own fruit and vegetables. Leading an organic life. A safe one. A secure one.

And yes, some people might suggest such a life as being too isolated or as lacking in terms of social connections, but, all too often, those people don’t know or understand genuine fear and horror. I really do. And I now prioritise still and peace and tranquillity and calm—perhaps an image of the life I had just in June.

I feel like I am fighting a war. And I am at war with myself, also, in making a decision with what is right and what needs to be done. And also what is legal. I have so many questions. And my priorities have all shuffled and my focus is blurred. I wish I knew so many things. I wish I had a crystal ball.

However, one thing I do know—a valuable lesson I have gleaned from past heartaches and times of struggle—is that things work out as they should. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. I may have to venture down a very rocky, uneven and potentially treacherous path, but ultimately the conclusion will be the right one. And if I stay where I am—in the place we have called Home for two years—is there any way of making it feel more secure, more of a haven, more an escape? Is there anything stopping us from having all of the above, i.e. the organic, more natural, home-grown way of life?

I know what I want, and surely that’s half the battle. Perhaps I need to shine a little more light on this new life we’ve found ourselves leading, and maybe the colour will leap off the page. Maybe the darkness will pass and I’ll find I just need an altogether new perspective and then all will become clear.

Maybe. Life changes shades so so quickly.

The Sunrise

I have experienced a number of pivotal moments in my life; many different life-affirming and life-changing points. There have been events and different experiences that have caused pause for thought, that have forced me to reflect on and question and muse over a spectrum of different things. So much of my younger life I spent […]

[Continue reading...]

Easter

Today is Easter, and with the burst of Spring—symbolic of new life, growth and potential—I have been investing my time and efforts in many different ventures, as well as in expanding my already-bursting portfolio. Recent weeks have been a struggle for a number of reasons, and I have had to let go of so many […]

[Continue reading...]

Green Juice

As I touched on in my post Is It February So Soon?, my main focus this month is to be on my overall health and well-being. I am much like any other 32 year old woman, I’m sure, in the sense that I want to improve my own general fitness and how I look in a […]

[Continue reading...]

New York: Hotel Booked

Yesterday, I booked our hotel for New York, and the feeling is not only exciting but also so surreal! I have always wanted to visit New York, but, for some reason, it was something I just didn’t get round to doing; it felt like an unnecessary extravagance (which, I suppose, it is!) and I told […]

[Continue reading...]

France: A Dream, A Past Reality, and a Future

France has been a dream of mine for so long. Initially, it was a pipe dream; something I wanted but never really explored in my mind to any significant degree. But then, in 2012, it became a reality when my family and I made the decision to sell everything we owned and travel Europe—first stop […]

[Continue reading...]

French Toast Mornings

When we become mummies, we quickly learn to think of everybody else first, to prioritise others’ needs and feelings, and to take control of the little things that need doing, whether laundry, day-to-day chores, or cooking. We become the carers in the family unit, and that is something that is a sudden and dramatic change […]

[Continue reading...]

Udemy: My Portal to Teaching

Even writing the title to this entry caused butterflies to burst into life in the pit of my stomach… Teaching. It was always my dream career as a child: I wanted to grow up to be an English teacher or work in the book publishing field, and then after work I wanted to go home […]

[Continue reading...]

Inspired

I work alongside so many different people, all from different backgrounds, all walking different paths, pursuing unique goals, and all holding unusual dreams. The one thing they tend to have in common is their pursuit of education; the vast majority of them are students. But as far as who they are as people, this is […]

[Continue reading...]